4 hours and 48 minutes

“What’s wrong? Please talk to me. Please tell me. What did I do? What happened?”

So many questions that I have no answers for. “I don’t know. Honestly, you didn’t do anything. It’s nothing you did, it’s me. I fucked up again.”

Sometimes it happens so quickly that I don’t even know what brought it on. I was laughing 60 seconds ago.

It’s 12:12am.

I have to be bright eyed and bushy tailed at work in precisely 4 hours and 48 minutes.

How am I supposed to do anything, especially anything that requires bright eyes and a bushy tail, when I can’t sleep. My body craves it and my eyes burn but I can’t stop thinking. I can’t stop moving.

The muscles in my feet and arms feel so tightly wrenched together that I can’t stop moving. Because if I stay still for too long they’re eventually going to take over my entire body. I’m restless and I’m anxious and I can’t. stop. moving.

It’s now 12:16am and I am down to 4 hours and 44 minutes.

She’s asleep. She was cuddling me and it was helping but I kept disrupting her sleep. I just couldn’t stop moving. My head hurts so bad from crying it could explode; I can’t lay flat so I migrated alone to the lazy boy where I can prop myself up.

Why does anxiety make everything feel so much bigger. My problems. My irritabilities.

My negative thoughts are drowning me. I’m uncomfortable and I’m tired.

I just want to feel normal. Feel happy.

My head hurts and my throat is scratchy and tight and I just want to sleep. My teeth hurt from clenching my jaw and I can’t breathe.

I want to feel happy and I want to be able to sleep in bed with her while she cuddles me. I don’t want to feel anxious or restless anymore.

I just want my brain to stop.

Stop thinking. Stop planning. Stop wondering. Stop hoping. I just want it all to stop.

I want to do normal things, like help my girlfriend with her homework, without turning them into a disaster.

I want to know why I feel lost and what I’m going to find at the end of this dark lonely place.

How could I feel so lost when I'm so fortunate?

What am I looking for? What am I supposed to find? How will I grow from this? No one has the answers. Not even me. I just want answers.

It’s 12:28am and I have 4 hours and 32 minutes until I need to be at work. I have to put on a smile and act like I’m happy. I do not not feel happy. I feel sad and I am anxious. My muscles are tight and my teeth are sore. My heart is racing because my migraine medication makes my chest feel tight and my body feel heavy.

It’s 12:33am and with my remaining 4 hours and 27 minutes I am going to give everything I have to stop moving. To just sleep. But trying to sleep takes everything I have left to give tonight.

If you suffer from anxiety, you are not alone. Be patient and kind to yourself even when it feels impossible to do.

If you know someone that suffers from anxiety, please listen when they ask for help. It may not be direct, but do your best to stay calm for them. Ask them what they need, but give them time to answer. Be patient and empathetic. Tell them you're there for them. It's not easy to ask for what we need because you feel like a burden, tell them that they aren't. When they're ready, encourage them to talk.

Maybe you won't understand but a listening ear can make all the difference. Give them some color when they're world feels black and white.


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